Friday, October 14, 2016

On A Neck, On A Spit

I realize my last post was unusual. I think I needed to write what was going on but I didn't know how to do it in a realistic or pragmatic way, so I just kinda barfed up how I was feeling.
I think I can write a bit more clearly now, so I want to tell you what's been going on.

I have been doing a lot of driving, as opposed to hiking since my feet have been messed up and have had a lot of good conversations with Spirit. On one of my solo trips I was drawn to Lake Henshaw where I found my first Barn Quilts.

Finding the Barn Quilts was neato-burrito for me since I taught myself to quilt last year and that has been mostly what I've been doing since I got the arthritis in my feet. The bottom image isn't a Barn Quilt, persay, but I like the design and will likely make a quilt block using it.

As I'm sure you gathered from my previous, emotion-vomit post, Josh and I broke up. We had a fight a couple of months ago, one of many arguments that were ridiculously stupid and based 100% in a mutual inability to communicate. 
I have known for a long time that I got into our relationship too soon after my divorce, and while on the PCT I realized exactly how afraid and unstable I was. I could see that I was using bad coping skills to deal with that fear, like judgmentalism, social withdrawal and anxiety. This instability also kept me from being all that I should have been in the relationship both on and off trail. I tried really hard to get things together in therapy but in the end, it was like trying to put on shoes that are too small. I have nothing inside to give to anyone, so I moved out.

I kept waiting for people to be mad at me but no one was. In fact they all said they were proud of me, even Josh. I still don't really understand this reaction but I think maybe they saw how close to the edge I was and were happy that I changed course instead of choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I don't know what I'm doing and I think about all of this stuff when I drive. 

I was near Lake Henshaw on a back road as it curved slowly thru the Mesa Grande Indian Reservation when I spoke out loud to the air and asked Spirit if she was there, if she was listening. I asked her to send me a messenger or a sign or something so I would know she was there. Immediately after I asked, two huge tarantulas crossed the road, the first a mile apart from the second, as if to say, "did you see me? Here's another just in case you missed it." I spoke outloud and asked if she could help me thru this shit and my question was immediately followed by a bald eagle taking flight from the grasslands.

So.....I guess She is with me.

Josh and I still talk and we are still friends. I don't know if this is how we're supposed to do this break up thing but it's the way we are doing it for now. I asked him one random day if he wanted to come drive with me and take some photos, if for no other reason than to get out and let some of the tension disperse in the country air. I asked Spirit before I picked him up to bring us clarity on this trip and send us the messengers we need to make it through.
Because I've learned, finally, that the only way out of this shit, is through. 

We did a huge backcountry loop including Poway, Lake Henshaw, Palomar, Escondido, Warner Springs, Anza Borrego and Cuyamaca. We drove all day and talked, but the majority of the time we talked through our silence. 

Spirit was definitely happy to have us both there and took the opportunity to send us a bunch of messengers beginning with a bag of random goat bones on the side of the road followed by a large hawk perched on a wire. As usual I would do most of the spotting and Josh handled the photography with amazing results.

On our way into Anza Borrego via Montezuma Valley Road, I felt something stir up inside of me and I knew She was near. Instinctively my glance shot to the North and there sat something interesting on a rock. I spun the truck around on the two lane road and pulled onto the shoulder slowly. Josh was asking what I saw but I couldn't really answer, all I knew was She was there. 
We crept passed a telephone pole looking north and there She was; a beautiful bobcat in the brush. Josh sprung into action with the camera and took some awesome photos of our messenger.

We continued on to Anza Borrego and stopped at Carlee's for dinner. I felt empty and melancholy being there surrounded by memories, in the awkward state we were in, and  Grizzly Bear's lyrics repeated loudly in my head. 

"You can't come home again,
Each time it's different."

I knew that even if we got back together, things would never be the same again. This is my fault and while it feels really shitty, I know it's the right decision.

After dinner we climbed Banner Grade out of Anza and head toward Cuyamaca. I was wrestling with my thoughts and talking to Josh about our future. I told him I didn't know if I should shut us down completely and let him go find someone better or if we should continue to be friends. 
We turn onto Hwy 79 before Julian and I felt that funny flutter in my stomach again as the questions hung heavy in the air. I knew she was listening and then suddenly, she was there, this time to the west. A second bobcat, 30 miles away from the first, as if to say again, "did you see me? I am here again in case you missed me!" Josh took more amazing photos while I thought about her Medicine.

We made our way onward thru Cuyamaca watching the deer graze in the evening light and finally off to our respective, separate, homes. 
This is definitely a weird time, but it is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment... 
I think. :-/
At the very least, I feel tuned in.

"Source is using every conceivable, possible, messenger to confirm and accentuate things that are important to you." - Abraham Hicks

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